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NETWORK: @peach0341 (anonymous) [post soujuurou's wild ride]
What would you consider the most unforgivable thing that a person could do to you? Something that someone could do, that they could never take back?
If it has been done to you, what happened? How did you treat that person afterward, if you kept in contact with them? If you didn't, do you regret ever severing off from them?
Have you done anything unforgivable? How did people respond to that--did they let you get a word in edge-wise to explain, or did they abandon you? Did you have to find your own way afterwards? How did it go for you, if so?
Do you think there's anything that one can do to earn forgiveness, depending on the severity of what happened? Do they deserve it? Does it depend? And is there a certain point that someone's allowed to give up on trying to find it, and should just stop trying to be good?
I'm curious as to what everyone's answers will be. Please don't give anymore info than you're comfortable with; these are just things that have been on my mind, lately. And please don't be rude to each other.
[this seems. infinitely more like a stream of conscious than anything actually coherent, but there's at least an attempt at maintaining some modicum of privacy. have at. be it on main or giving yourself a nice plurk-style anon-name, go for it.]
If it has been done to you, what happened? How did you treat that person afterward, if you kept in contact with them? If you didn't, do you regret ever severing off from them?
Have you done anything unforgivable? How did people respond to that--did they let you get a word in edge-wise to explain, or did they abandon you? Did you have to find your own way afterwards? How did it go for you, if so?
Do you think there's anything that one can do to earn forgiveness, depending on the severity of what happened? Do they deserve it? Does it depend? And is there a certain point that someone's allowed to give up on trying to find it, and should just stop trying to be good?
I'm curious as to what everyone's answers will be. Please don't give anymore info than you're comfortable with; these are just things that have been on my mind, lately. And please don't be rude to each other.
[this seems. infinitely more like a stream of conscious than anything actually coherent, but there's at least an attempt at maintaining some modicum of privacy. have at. be it on main or giving yourself a nice plurk-style anon-name, go for it.]
@moon6472
I don't seek his forgiveness. All I want is for him to be safe. If it means he loathes me for all that I've done, then so be it.
But it sounds as though your situation is quite different. Do you seek forgiveness for this act of yours? Do you hope that by hearing our stories it may help ease your burden?
[There's no way to get it across through text, but that isn't supposed to be pointed, just curious.]
no subject
Do you regret any of it, you think? That sounds like an awfully isolating life to lead, for both you and him. If he ever found out, what do you think would happen?
[Sayaka gets the next part out in another part, and perhaps surprisingly, her own text is very level.]
Not at all, actually. This world has always been strange and confusing to try and navigate through to me. The way the world has worked and the way that they've shown it on TV, it's all so different. Even if the latter is the only thing I really know, and I've had that illusion shattered quite thoroughly as time has gone on. So I've tried to adapt, putting on good face after good face, even if I can't feel things. Or can't feel them right. I'm not sure.
What I want is to understand the world, because everything is so strange and foreign to me. I figure that if maybe I try seeing it through the eyes of others, that maybe I can gain some insight into it. All I've been every time I've tried to do anything is confused, because nothing I've ever done has gone right even when I tried.
My burdens are my own to bear, just as yours are. But I guess to answer your question...no, because I don't think what I've done deserves forgiveness.
And I wouldn't want it, either. It'd feel disgusting, at this point.
no subject
I have no regrets. It's done for his safety above all else, so how could I regret it? When he finds out the extent of my betrayal, I have no doubts he will be angry and upset with me. But I have instilled in him valuable lessons and I have taught him what he needs to know to move forward. He may hold it against me all he wishes, because the only thing that matters to me is that he remains safe.
[...something about that doesn't quite sit right with him, but he's not sure what it is. Best just to move on, for now.]
I understand. There are some things that simply cannot - should not - be forgiven. There will ever be people who seek to forgive you despite this. They are far too kind, always attempting to understand first and find a way to forgive second.
[Ah. That's it, isn't it? The Warrior of Light will undoubtedly do just that. It would be so much easier if he'd simply be angry and upset with Fray. Because he doesn't deserve forgiveness for his actions—]
My apologies, I seem to have drifted off-topic. Have you found this post to be helpful for your own situation?
cw: suicidal ideation incoming
Devoting yourself to another person to such an extent...it sounds like even if he does hate you at the end of it all, you've taught him well about the world. It sounds like he'll be safe, going forward. But what about you? What about you, who might be left behind at the end of it all? Won't that be lonesome, to have nothing left to go back to? Nothing left for every bit of effort that you've put in--is that worth it to you?
I don't understand it. Any of it. Devoting yourself so selflessly to your own destruction, potentially...shouldn't there be something left for you, at the end of it all?
[...She sounds like a massive hypocrite right now, and she's thankful the anon can't see her shaking her head a bit.]
You are right, though. There are actions that can never be forgiven. And they never should be. Judgement should be passed on those who do so swiftly, so they can never do it again.
[...]
...Helpful in that I think I understand the answer. But that's about it.
cw: suicidal ideation incoming
It's worth it. He's worth it. Even if I truly am left all alone, unable to return in any sort of meaningful way, I will have no regrets. I have done what I can for him.
[But some part of him already knows that it won't end like that. Even if he might want it to.]
I don't expect anyone to understand. This is the path I've chosen to walk, and it's one I cannot be swayed from. I made my decisions and I stand by them. But were it anyone else, I think I would want a better outcome for them. That much I can understand.
[If his friends here were to pursue a path like this, he'd be bothered by it. So he understands that it troubles her. But how can he ever look at what he's doing as something he needs to change, when he clings so desperately to it? If his path must change then he must change, and Fray isn't ready for that.
So he focuses on the second half, and he already knows what the answer will be before he asks.]
Then tell me: what is the answer you've found?
cw: suicidal ideation, deep levels of self loathing
...I'm sorry. I should have been more considerate of that.
[The next part...it takes a bit to get out, the text bubble staying up for quite a well. As for what comes out, it's...pretty heavy.]
...I think I deserve to die.
I've spent all of my time pursuing good, trying to be a perfect daughter to a man who spends more time at his job than anywhere near his house. Trying to be a good example for others, trying to lead by example when I don't even know anything about the world I was born into, and everything I keep finding out just makes it worse and makes it hurt more that I'm apparently so stupid to have thought anything good of the world.
And at the end of it all, in trying to keep some sort of happiness that was genuinely mine...I ruined the lives of at least 14 other people in my position. I lied to so many people. I even went and tried to kill someone, just because I was worried I'd end up being forgotten--even if I didn't deserve it before, I sure as hell deserve it now.
I don't know why I'm here. I don't know if this is some sort of special hell that's been perfectly designed for me to feel like I'm going crazy, bbut it's working and I just--
I want it all to stop. I probably don't have any right to ask for that after everything I did to try and keep myself from going back to being some stupid, lonely girl who kept sitting in front of a TV, waiting for and dreaming of a better life. Who should've just been happy with the lot she already had, and maybe she wouldn't have grown up to be a broken, sanded down, half formed excuse of a human being.
[...]
I'm wondering if I'm just going to be eternally repenting for the sin of being born, at this point. I had to have done something to deserve it before, but I know I deserve it now.
no subject
Fray tries to write out several different replies. He considers his words carefully. He considers her words carefully. And yet each time he ends up deleting the response before he can hit send, because it isn't right. There must be words that can help with this in this situation, but he doesn't know what they are. There's still too much he doesn't know about the situation itself, but he knows for sure who this is now.
That's why he decides against writing a response. Instead, he messages Sayaka's phone under his own usual handle, @ darkknight.]
Maizono, where are you?
We need to talk.
[...he didn't mean to sound so ominous...????]
1/2, cws continued but like? briefly??? stupidly?????
Sayaka's in the middle of writing a reply to someone else. She really does mean it that she wants to understand the people around her to some sort of extent but here comes Fray with a jumpscare that promptly sends her phone jolting in the air from the docks.]
--Shoot!
[Sayaka is. So thankful nobody is around to see it. She's definitely been tearing up since writing that reply, but that's...
...
There's a brief moment that she wonders if Fray is coming to play executioner personally, but she shoves that thought out of her mind as she writes a reply.]
@shslidol, 2/2
[...]
if you need me to go somewhere else i will, though.
no subject
[And that's simply that, the last message he sends to her even if she replies. It takes him a bit to get to the docks and Fray arrives dressed as usual - in his full armor, with his giant sword strapped to his back. He approaches Sayaka with purpose, steps only finally slowing as he reaches the bench.
There's a brief pause as he considers how to proceed before he decides to hells with it he may as well take a page out of the Warrior of Light's book and speak from the heart.]
I'm sorry.
[Fray kneels before her, letting the words hang in the air as he shifts a bit - the gesture is awkward and clumsy, but he opens his arms to allow her a hug, if she wants it. Considering he's wearing a full set of armor, it likely isn't going to be very comfortable. But he offers it none-the-less, because it's what the Warrior of Light would do.
...No. Because it's what Fray wants to do.]
1/?
She doesn't know which he was. Not entirely. He likely saw something she wrote, though, and there's a part of her that's so angry at herself. For making him worry. For forcing his hand from whatever it was that he usually does at night, to come out and talk to a sad excuse of a human being, but she promised him she wouldn't make him worry so much. She promised, and here she is again.
It's pathetic. But Sayaka hears him before she sees him, and she briefly wonders what's going to happen.
But she'll accept it. She has to. Fray deserves that much at least.]
2/?
But then Fray does the unthinkable, to her.
He apologizes. To her.]
Wh--what--?
3/4
As if she doesn't know what he's doing.
As if it's something nobody's ever offered her, or that she's ever been allowed to accept.
Fray can probably actively watch as the realization dawns on Sayaka, that he's actually offering to hug her. Fray, who's only relationship with physical affection has likely ever been combat. Fray, who's always kept some form of distance from everyone, and Sayaka has always been willing to accept it. Accepting things is what she does. It's what she's always been forced to do, to accept the shitty hand she's been dealt with a smile on her face, no matter how close to shattering the mask may be. Keep calm, smile, be polite. Words that felt more like a curse every day she heard them in her brain, no matter who's voice they took.
Fray's offering her something that she's been convinced that she can never have or deserve, and she can feel her own mind berating herself. That she's allowing this, that she's forced Fray into something uncomfortable, and that she should apologize--
Friends help each other, right?
They do. Friends help each other. [...] I truly do want to do what I can for you, Maizono. Believe that, even if you find it hard to accept anything else.]
4/4
[Her feet move faster than her mind, than the berating, than anything else that would keep her from delaying any longer. She's probably going to feel terrible about this later, but she practically launches into Fray, her twiggy arms wrapped surprisingly tight around him as she accepts the offer wholeheartedly.
It doesn't take long after that that she begins to cry. No, she sobs. Wretchedly, horribly, it's like someone's turned a faucet on entirely too much to the point that it's overflowing and each sob feels more wretched than the last as she just lets herself, for perhaps the first time in her life, feel.]
I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry--
[The words come out terribly broken, but they come out, and they're probably the most genuine thing Sayaka's ever said in her life.]
no subject
There's no reason to rush her decision, and her expression says it all. She doesn't even recognize what he's doing at first. She needs a moment to process the request, to think about how she feels about it, to go through her usual process of determining if this is something she can - or should - do...
But then she moves, and suddenly Fray's being hugged and his arms come tightly around her like maybe, for just this moment, he can shield her from the entire rest of this damned cruel world.]
You have nothing to apologize for. Nothing.
[It's soft, though not quite as gentle as the hands at her back, mindful of the gauntlets' sharp claws. He holds her close; the feeling bringing back memories he'd long since forgotten. It isn't as though it's the first time he's hugged someone, after all - at least, not really. Yet this feels so much more real, because it's his decision to hug her, not the Warrior of Light's.]
I'm here, Maizono. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here as long as you need me.
[For where else could he go? When she needs someone to talk to, to rely on, to help? There's nowhere he'd rather be.]
no subject
[The words still come out broken, and it takes a bit for Sayaka to forgo them in entirety in favor of just...getting her feelings out. In trusting that Fray is right there, he's there with her, and he's not letting her go or abandoning her. He's not leaving her alone. He's not leaving her alone.
Sayaka remembers vaguely, crying like this, though always with the consideration of others. Late nights spent lonely in her room, crying into her pillow wishing her father would come home to ease the crushing weight of loneliness on her. Always into a pillow, always when she was certain the other tenants were out so her dad wouldn't scold her. She remembers crying once, in front of her managers, before getting told that her tears were unsightly. Not in a cruel way, never with a raised voice in anger. Just a knowing smile and some passive aggressive words that made her stuff her tears back down where they belonged. Managing her time so much that she wouldn't have an opportunity to be by herself so that she could cry.
It's a strange, and foreign feeling, to feel so safe with someone to be able to break down like this and know that she won't be alone. This strange warmth, even with how cold the armor probably is, it's comforting and the most at ease she's felt in her entire life.
Her sobs quiet down some, eventually. She's probably gone and worn her voice down, really, but...]
...Thank you, Fray. [The honorific is long gone, at this point, and she finally pokes her head up a bit to look at him. Her expression is...a little strange, something almost natural, but very bleary eyed and puffy from all of that crying.] You didn't...I...nnn. I don't really even know...what to say.
[...She's not quite ready to let go, admittedly, but maybe they can just talk like this. For a bit.]
...Can I ask which one you were?
[Maybe she's making an assumption, in assuming he saw what she was talking about, but...she has a sinking feeling, though she doesn't give voice to it.]
cw: suicidal ideation mention
But that's why he's here, isn't it? For those we have lost.
For those we can yet save.
He can't take Sayaka's pain away. Not entirely. There's much he'll never truly be able to understand about it. So many of the things she speaks of are foreign to him - either because of who he is or the differences between their worlds. But she's still here, she's still alive, and that alone is enough to make him want to try.
He'll fight this whole damn world if it means keeping just this one person from any further pain.]
You don't need to thank me.
[It's remarkably soft, gentle in a way his tone doesn't usually get.]
Moon, though I wonder... did you have your suspicions it was me?
[Even before she voiced all those dark, horribly difficult thoughts?]
cw: suicidal ideation mention
...Towards the end, I think. The more you kept...mentioning the person you cared for. It reminded me a bit of...how you talked about your student. I think. I...I tried not to think too much of who anyone could be, because I felt like it would have defeated the whole point of what I was asking.
...I'm sorry for burdening you. With all of that. I just...kind of kept writing without thinking, without caring, I. I think I just wanted to scream.
[...Sayaka shifts a bit, getting a little more comfortable. Maybe she should feel bad for seizing so much warmth from him, but...she doesn't know if he has anything to ask, and she doesn't know if she should say anything. His path is already set, and she shouldn't.
...And yet...]
...We'd miss you, you know. I'd miss you. If. If something happened.
no subject
[At least not like this. Yelling into the metaphorical void was a good idea, really. She received a lot of interesting responses and a lot of things to look at and think about. And though her decision is one he doesn't like, there's still time for her to change her mind.
...Ah, and his isn't one she likes either. It's not really a surprise to hear and yet his gaze darts anyway, as a hand comes up to gently brush some of her hair out of the way so it doesn't risk getting caught in the gauntlets. He doesn't mind that she wants to stay here; it isn't exactly a comfortable hug, but he isn't moving either.]
I'm sorry, then. I don't want to worry you. Though there's... something I need to tell you. About my situation - about who I am.
[She deserves to know this much. She can't truly rely on him if she doesn't know the truth. So that much needs to be addressed before anything else. Maybe it'll make things make more sense. Or maybe it'll just be even more confusing, because frankly, it is a confusing, tangled mess of emotions and identity issues.]
no subject
[It comes out soft and uncertain, because she's...she wants to be honest with Fray, for how honest he's been trying to be with her. Because she's never trusted so easily, and because their bridge has always been one of mutual attempts at letting each other's walls down.
But Fray speaks, and her own words are forgotten in favor of his. He apologizes and she wonders what more she has to learn that Fray has kept so secret.
Her motion is a gentle one; she untangles one of her arms from him, and gently rests a hand upon his and pats it. It's an awkward gesture; one Sayaka's clearly not used to giving, but...]
...If you're willing to trust me, Fray, then...I would like to hear it. Please, tell me about yourself. About who...you are.
no subject
Well, that's her right to decide. After all, he hasn't been very honest about himself.]
"Fray Myste" is dead. I borrowed his name, appearance, and body to guide the Warrior of Light because he sought a mentor, and I was able to provide.
...The truth is that I am a part of the Warrior of Light. My name - his name - is V'rhas Tia.
[A name that won't truly mean much to her, but one he hasn't shared with her before now. She should know that much too.]
I am his dark side - his hatred, anger, despair, frustration, fury - everything that he sought to stamp down, to keep hidden away. I was given form, and with that form, I chose to guide him, to protect him, so he could never be used again.
[...And yet.]
I lied to you all about who I am and for that, you have my apologies.
no subject
Her body language is still very tired after crying herself out like that, but there's no anger on her face, nor any change in expression. If anything, there's a determination; she can't understand the world, but she wants to try. For Fray. For whoever he turns out to be, at the end of it.
And what a story it is. A part of that student he loves and would protect to the last, given form by the warrior's need for a teacher. Sayaka isn't sure if it would be fair to call Fray a person, when he's more of a concept--maybe something like what they found in Jordi's palace. But...
That would discount who he is. Who he's become, to so many people--including her.
It's when he apologizes that Fray will feel Sayaka's hand go to take his, gentle and perhaps surprisingly resolved. She hasn't flinched once during the whole explanation, and she doesn't start now.
The embodiment of one man's hatred, anger, despair, frustration, and fury. And yet Fray chooses to be so kind.]
...You're forgiven. You--you have nothing to apologize for.
[It's firm, but gentle all the same.]
...I hope you can forgive me that I'm...I guess it's a little confusing, but it doesn't matter to me. You did what you felt you had to, right? To keep yourself safe, to keep such things close to you. You've...been trying to guide us, right? Like you guided him.
But no matter what--you're still you. You're still one of us. You're still my friend, and many others. I appreciate that you trusted me with this. I...I won't let a single person know--I swear.
[There's a pause. A little uncertain, this one, but...]
...Would you prefer I still call you Fray? Or...would you prefer to be known as V'rhas, you think?
no subject
I did, yes. All I've done was for him; even if he finds my actions unforgivable, it would be worth it just to keep him safe.
[He said as much on the post, so he doesn't mind saying it again. But...]
But I'm a different person than I was when I first arrived here. And... I wouldn't want you - or any of the others - to worry about me when I return home. I plan to speak with the Goddess before that, to determine what can be done about my situation.
[It is a pretty unique circumstance, after all. Maybe she'll be able to split him and the Warrior of Light. He's not sure he'd want that, truthfully, but it is an option and one that may make this a little easier to grasp.]
I... You may continue to call me Fray for now.
[It's the name Argenti chose to use, when asked. Even if it isn't the name you started with, somehow it feels as if you have made it truly your own; even with your reasons for having taking it on. And I have very much always liked the sound of it.
Fray it is. For now, at least.]
Thank you. For your acceptance, and forgiveness. When the time is right I'll tell the others, though it is... a rather complicated tale to tell.
[Obviously...]
no subject
Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I'll do it in a heartbeat. I...I don't know him, but maybe he'd be happy, too. With that.
[It's strange how freeing this honesty all feels--she can't even hear those berating voices in her head, the ones that protected her for so long from the world and let her keep living in a dream world of her own design. A rapidly crashing one, but...
Being here, in this reality. There's a solace in that. In this safety, this warmth, this kindness.]
I'll do so then, Fray. You really have made that name feel like yours--it's something all your own in a way, huh? But...if you ever find another name you like for yourself, I'd love to hear it, too.
But please, don't worry about it. I'm happy to offer it to you. If that time should ever come, I'll be there by your side to support you. Promise. It's the least I can do for you.
[...She can imagine it'd be a bit of a nightmare, with some of this group...]
no subject
You do know that I feel the same about you, aye? I want to do what I can to help you as well. Regardless of what troubles you face, what burdens you carry, I will be right here to help you with them.
So I expect you to keep walking this path alongside me until we reach the end and can see what the Goddess has to offer us for our next steps.
[After all, apparently she can send us to other worlds. His offer for Sayaka to return home with him still stands, after all.]
Let me help you as you've offered to help me.
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