NETWORK: @peach0341 (anonymous) [post soujuurou's wild ride]

[destage]

What would you consider the most unforgivable thing that a person could do to you? Something that someone could do, that they could never take back?

If it has been done to you, what happened? How did you treat that person afterward, if you kept in contact with them? If you didn't, do you regret ever severing off from them?

Have you done anything unforgivable? How did people respond to that--did they let you get a word in edge-wise to explain, or did they abandon you? Did you have to find your own way afterwards? How did it go for you, if so?

Do you think there's anything that one can do to earn forgiveness, depending on the severity of what happened? Do they deserve it? Does it depend? And is there a certain point that someone's allowed to give up on trying to find it, and should just stop trying to be good?

I'm curious as to what everyone's answers will be. Please don't give anymore info than you're comfortable with; these are just things that have been on my mind, lately. And please don't be rude to each other.

[this seems. infinitely more like a stream of conscious than anything actually coherent, but there's at least an attempt at maintaining some modicum of privacy. have at. be it on main or giving yourself a nice plurk-style anon-name, go for it.]

Comments

[emptyself]

Oh, Sayaka, you’re joining too?

[ as if soujuurou could be so smart as to figure her out. he just thought that with so many there in the fight against him, they had to have seen it. ]

To be honest, I don’t really understand people from the city that much either. I try to, of course.

Oh, but I didn’t really want revenge. I just wanted to save them and pay back Aozaki for her help. It just meant I had to go to extremes to do it.

[destage]

[soujuurou. you sweet summer child.

...

though sayaka definitely also feels that directed towards her, too--]

...No, I'm the one who actually wrote all of this in the first place. I didn't think I could hide very well. And...I don't know. I wanted to take some responsibility for what I wrote. But that's definitely a noble reason to do it.

...And speaking from experience, they usually tend to be pretty deceptive sorts. Don't blame yourself too much if you don't understand them very well.

Do you...mind if I ask you something? It might be a little personal, so I want to make sure, first.

[emptyself]

It’d be nice if it were noble. I was just being selfish.

But sure. What do you want to know?

[destage]

[...We can circle back to that later--as for the question, it's perhaps a surprisingly simple one.]

Are you happy?

[emptyself]

[ that’s a question that stays on read for quite a bit. it’s true that this isn’t a groundbreaking question by any means. it’s concise and simple, and that is why it’s so deceptively difficult for soujuurou.

this is the second time he has been asked this and yet he still draws the same blank whenever he’s asked. ]

Me? I’m not sure how my answer would change yours, Sayaka.

[destage]

This isn't something I'm asking for my sake, Shizuki-kun.

It's something I'd like to know for yours.

[She definitely has seen how long that answer was left on read, at least. She won't press further, but...there is a part of her that wants to know.]

[emptyself]

I see.

To be honest, I don’t think I’m sure.

[destage]

[...Ah.]

Is it something you've been allowed to seek for yourself, at all?

[emptyself]

Allowed?

[ something about that feels so specific. is she trying to say something? ]

[destage]

[...]

Maybe I'm thinking of your situation as too much like...how my managers treated me, with what I was allowed to do and not allowed to do. But considering what you've told me of what you do, I...

I guess I wondered how much freedom you have.

...Please feel free to ignore it, it's probably a silly question.

[emptyself]

My situation?

I'm sorry, Sayaka, I'm just not following at all.

I mean, we have strict rules at the mansion, like Alice doesn't like certain tea cups being used. Is that what you're referring to?

[destage]

Just--based on the few things you told me about what had happened to you and how the girls treated you, and based off what we saw when we tried to find you, I guess I was wondering if it was similar to my own situation.

Like I said. Forget I said anything. I think I said something stupid.

[emptyself]

No, I don't think you said something stupid. If you think there's something similar between your situation and mine, then there might be. I just can't see it right now.

But it sounds like your managers were really harsh on you. Do you want to find out who you are, Sayaka?

[destage]

[And here Sayaka was thinking she overstepped. It's why she went to dismiss it so instantly, out of shame; how could a girl like her understand what Soujuurou went through? It was so much, much about debts repaid and pain and suffering that she couldn't understand--

Maybe she just sees things she shouldn't. Similar strings and obligations, debts to people, foisted upon or otherwise. Sayaka doesn't know how to comment about it, or why it feels like she wants to drive him away, and yet...]

I don't know if I'm just seeing things where I shouldn't, that's all. For as much as I saw when we saw things through your eyes, there was a lot I didn't understand.

But I want to, I think. I want to find out who I am when I don't have my managers breathing down my neck and forcing things on me constantly. When I'm finally allowed to...well, be, rather than being forced to act like something I'm not.

I don't know what that might be. Or how to start. But...I'd like to try and reach for that, yes.

[emptyself]

If that's how you feel about your managers, then I think that means that you need to quit your job. You're talented and hardworking, so I don't doubt that you'll be able to get something that makes you feel better.

But I think you should try and be yourself here. None of your managers are here, right?

[destage]

...I wish it was that simple, on all ends. I'm not trying to be obstinate or anything of the sort, it's just...

I've been in my business for a very long time. It's...all I really know how to do, and this is probably the first period of some sort of rest that I've ever had. It's letting me try new things and feel out what I can do, but I spent so long getting jerked around by them that it practically got ingrained in my head. It's...something I'm going to have to work on.

[...Wow, it feels weird to admit your managers basically traumatized you to the point of practically existing inside of your head, wow she doesn't want to think about that further.]

Please make no mistake, though. I do want that. I've just got a lot of hurdles I'm trying to get over first, but...

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Trying to be a person, instead of a perfect little doll like they wanted.

[emptyself]

That does sound hard. Making your own decisions after everyone made them for you is pretty terrifying, too. I understand that.

But I think that now that you've realized how difficult it is, you'll find a way to overcome it. Not all at once but little by little. I think.

[destage]

It feels like I'm a puppet without strings sometimes, without their directions.

...But I'm hoping that I can, and the faith you have in me...I appreciate it more than I can express. I want to find that way forward for myself, and seize it.

Thank you for listening to me. I imagine this was all a little silly...

[emptyself]

It doesn’t sound silly at all. But maybe it’s because, if I were in your situation, I’d also be terrified.

But you have good friends. Even if you have to make your own decisions, you don’t have to do it on your own.