NETWORK: @peach0341 (anonymous) [post soujuurou's wild ride]

[destage]

What would you consider the most unforgivable thing that a person could do to you? Something that someone could do, that they could never take back?

If it has been done to you, what happened? How did you treat that person afterward, if you kept in contact with them? If you didn't, do you regret ever severing off from them?

Have you done anything unforgivable? How did people respond to that--did they let you get a word in edge-wise to explain, or did they abandon you? Did you have to find your own way afterwards? How did it go for you, if so?

Do you think there's anything that one can do to earn forgiveness, depending on the severity of what happened? Do they deserve it? Does it depend? And is there a certain point that someone's allowed to give up on trying to find it, and should just stop trying to be good?

I'm curious as to what everyone's answers will be. Please don't give anymore info than you're comfortable with; these are just things that have been on my mind, lately. And please don't be rude to each other.

[this seems. infinitely more like a stream of conscious than anything actually coherent, but there's at least an attempt at maintaining some modicum of privacy. have at. be it on main or giving yourself a nice plurk-style anon-name, go for it.]

Comments

@chocolate1836

[vogelfrei]

I've done something unforgivable. I betrayed somebody who trusted me wholly.

They responded by chasing me to the edge of the world for revenge, but in the end, they were still weeping for me.

I had never wanted their forgiveness until that moment. Yet, now I still think about the tantalizing fantasy of them giving it.

[destage]

I see. That sounds like a very difficult situation that you were in. Earning someone's trust only to betray it...I can only scarcely imagine how either of you felt.

[Tears, maybe. Screaming arguments, perhaps. But--]

You wanted their forgiveness because they wept for you...

Why is that, if you don't mind me asking? Do you think they would have been ready to give it to you, in that moment, or is it something else?

[vogelfrei]

"Don't say it. If you say what I think you're going to say, I might just forgive you," they said through tears. Even after it all, they were such a soft person. I could scarcely believe it.

I wanted to say it, then.

Because they were basically offering. Because they were precious to me in a way I could not have admitted before.

It was too late, but I'm doomed to muse on it now.

[destage]

Haha.
...I'm not laughing at you, I promise. But I can see it, in a strange way. Imagine the situation, even if I can't really feel things like that. Not very well, at least.

You really were so close to it in those final moments. It sounds strange. But did it offer you any peace, before you went and ended up here?

...If you had the chance to go back, would you have taken them up on it? Or done anything different?

[vogelfrei]

It would have been too late either way, but I'd still have liked to say the words. I spent a lifetime willing myself to not even think them.

Knowing I could have said it does make me reflect on myself differently now. That's why Braphine took me when she did, I'd wager.

But I'd never have done anything differently. It would not have been in my nature.

[destage]

I understand. We can't really beat our natures when it comes right down to it. Whatever it is, it'll define us for our lives, whether we want it to or not. So...I understand it. At least a little.

[...]

It's difficult, isn't it? Being made to live with your decisions and having the time to reflect upon them. I don't know how anyone does it.

It sounds like you were pretty good at knowing yourself, though. Would that be too presumptuous to say?

[vogelfrei]

I spent a lot of time reflecting, at least.

Our past defines who we'll be in the future, and it becomes our weak spot no matter how hard we try to prevent it. Understanding as much can be a shield against manipulation, in my opinion.

And yet I was undone by feelings I kept suppressed, in the end.

You also seem self aware, or at least invested in thinking it through. Are you the unforgivable or the aggrieved, in these thoughts?

[destage]

I don't disagree. We carry our past with us no matter what, it's true. Try as we might to discard it sometimes, to our benefit and not. Keeping ones feelings suppressed is usually the ultimate safety, though it can be a double edged sword, I've found.

And it will always find a way to haunt you, just as much as it can help inform you for the future.

...It sounds like a shame. For you, at least. Hopefully that reflection has helped you here.

[It almost seems like the anon isn't going to answer the second part of that, for a moment. But eventually, another part of the message comes.]

I figured it might be obvious, but I guess I was better at masking it than I thought. Unforgivable, in my case as well.

[vogelfrei]

It's never nice to assume, so I figured I'd let you say it in your own words.

And having that confirmed, I want to go back to one of the initial questions you asked: "And is there a certain point that someone's allowed to give up on trying to find forgiveness, and should just stop trying to be good?"

Whose permission should one be seeking? Whether or not you desire forgiveness is your own decision, in the end.

For myself... I wanted forgiveness not because it was the right thing to want, but because I'm selfish enough to want something back that I myself took care to smash. That is the only reason. If chasing forgiveness pains you, abandon the quest.

[destage]

I do appreciate it. I'm used to people drawing their own conclusions and being coached through my own responses, so it's a little strange to be so candidly asked. It is something I appreciate, though.

...And I only ask that because I really can't trust my own judgement on such things. I've spent so long sanding myself down into what I've been needed to be, that I'm not sure if there's anything left, if I can be truthful. Really, I don't even know if I deserve to be here with you all right now.

But I get what you're saying.

[There's a long pause after, the typing bubble saying up for quite some time, before a message comes through.]

I understand that, though. Wanting something so selfishly with all of your being, even if the bridge is burned and the metaphorical vase is smashed. I spent a lot of my life chasing something similar, even if I don't know what I did wrong to start it all off.

...I don't know what it is I want at the end of it all, but I do appreciate you sharing your perspective with me. Understanding the world around me is difficult, and it probably will be that way for me forever.

But...thank you, I guess. That's what I want to say most of all.

@star104

[finalmix]

the most irrational thing a person has ever said to me was that they could never forgive me, but they trusted me anyway.

even after i broke every ounce of their trust.

[vogelfrei]

There is something so willfully strange about that, it makes me respect the dedication.

You and I have an an interesting taste in people to hurt. It would be easier for them to stand down and accept the hurt as-is... and yet.

@mango65

[goei]

Why did you do it?

[vogelfrei]

To further my ambitions.

Their death was convenient to my cause... and my mindset in approaching this cause.

[goei]

So it wasn't even that preventing their death would've been inconvenient

You specifically wanted them to die?

How the hell does that work?

[vogelfrei]

I killed them with my own hands.

I revealed myself to them so they'd not die unknowing, even if the truth would hurt them most of all. Maybe I reveled in the hurt just a little, because they had been blind to mine for so long.

But in the end, I did it that way because they were the person closest to me. The one with a grip on my heart that I could not allow.

1/2

[goei]

2/2

[goei]

You PURPOSELY made their death as painful as you could??
And you have the audacity to want their forgiveness???

Come off anon you bastard so I can kill you with my own two hands!

[vogelfrei]

[ Well, this and the unanon post below give him a pretty decent idea of who he's talking to. A very unfortunate idea. ]

You're not the person who gets to judge me for this. It was their right to strike me down, nobody else's. They would not appreciate your interference.

You're welcome to think me as twisted in my affections as you like, it matters little.

[goei]

I don't care what they'd think
I ain't saying this fer them

Yer attitude is pissing me off and it was literally my job ta cut down assholes like you that think they're more important than everyone else

So tell me where the hell you are yo damn coward!!

[vogelfrei]

You're going to have to figure out my identity and whereabouts for yourself.

I look forward to when you find me, Izou.

[ Let it all break right after its been built.

But if Izou can't figure out the obvious for himself, then he deserves to continue being misguided and lied to by ommission. ]

[goei]

[WELL FINE!!! He's mad enough that he actually engages the lanternfam communal brain cell for once, and via process of elimination, arrives at room 201, with McGillis's nameplate attached.

Knock knock, motherfucker.]

[vogelfrei]

[ continued here, for everyone following along from home ]